That was twenty years ago. Now I have my own family, work, wife and kids. Is this what I want in my life?
I know, I am gay, but in this era, I still dare not openly express themselves.
In the beginning, I am so madly in love with a person, so desperate, but eventually, have to bow to life. I lived what most people would consider a “normal” life. Learn to bear with yourself, learn to forget some of your nature.
Am I happy? Maybe, maybe all the love to the end, also have become a habit. Passion will burn out someday. I just moved that day forward by many years.
Well, with no expectations and no disappointments. Isn’t peace the best end? Those tears, unwilling, sweet, painful, once in a lifetime, is enough!
01
During my college years, I fell in love with one of my dorm mates, a handsome man. We have been friends for two years, playing online games together, playing CS together and joining teams together.
That year, SARS struck. When I think about it now, I don’t feel nervous about the epidemic, which may have something to do with my unforgettable love affair.
There was a period of more than a month of school closure. We cant go out of the school but only stay inside the school area.
After the class ended, several of our roommates hung out from morning till night. Every morning, he would pull me up from the bottom bunk and go to the canteen. Then we would play online games together. In the afternoon, we would go to self-study and in the evening, we would order takeout and drink beer together.
Back to the dormitory in the evening, he lay on my bed to play GTA, I leaned on his arms to sing. The eldest and the second eldest roommates smiled to ask, you two can’t be GAY? We’re on the same page. Yeah. I yelled at him, hubby. And he said, hey, wife.
He is very kind to me. He always bought some drinks for me when we played computer games at the internet bar. I would secretly hold his hand while studying. But I know in the deep of my heart that I am gay and he is not.
Every time, he called his girlfriend outside the school, I don’t feel good but I can’t hide my expression. He seems to know what and he will avoid me. After he came back, he will touch my head, expressed comfort.
At night, when he was lying in my bed, I held him and told him how much I loved it. He didn’t talk, but he held me a little tighter.
I secretly kiss him, he did not escape, for a long time, he whispered to me, “Are you gay?” I kicked him and said, “Fuck off”. And drive him back to his own bed.
Every night, before he came back to his bed, he would give me a little kiss at my request. We stay together for more than a month, it feels especially sweet.
I naively thought, if the epidemic does not end, my first love will not end?
02
How much happiness I get, how much sadness I should pay for it. I warned myself, do not fall in love with him, but it happened to indulge in unable to extricate themselves.
When the closure period was over, the whole building of students were roar crazily. We finally released.
For me, it was just like waking up from a dream.
He couldn’t wait to see his girlfriend, I bowed my head to accompany him out of the school gate, he asked me where to go? I said I just hanging around.
He said are you weren’t happy? Is it because I’m seeing my girlfriend?
I said, don’t flatter yourself, get lost. Then walk away alone.
In an instant, tears welled up.
In the night, he did not come back. I didn’t fall asleep until early in the morning. I vaguely felt someone touching my hair and waking up to see him sitting by my bed. Our eyes met.
For a long time, I wanted to reach out to hug him. Suddenly, I saw his knee scrape. He blushed and said he scraped it during sex last night.
I smiled, then turn my head away. Closing my eyes and thinking, what the fuck am I doing?
Women are really sensitive animals, he would call me every once in a while to have dinner with them. Although I tried to restrain, but when they are intimate, my jealous eyes caught his girlfriend’s attention.
So his girlfriend made out with him to protest me. Later, I stopped eating with them.
The day before they left school for the summer, my two roommates went home. The TV is showing a romance movie, it was a sad plot and bad ending, I felt more depressed than I had ever felt before.
Two months into the summer vacation, I realized for the first time what it was like to miss someone. I miss his smile, his white socks, and the faint smell of tobacco.
I started to smoke, and the smell from my fingers made me feel like he was there.
03
Before school began, there are more than ten days. I received his phone, he asked me to go back to school early. I just got off the phone and bought the train ticket.
When I saw him, I wanted to hug him. Finally, I just smiled.
We did what we always did, chatting, surfing the Internet and watching DVDs in a bed. Until the holiday ended, he moved out to live with his girlfriend.
Although I understand, the feeling for him is deep love, but I do not have the courage to express it to him and also do not have the ability to let him understand. I can only put these feelings in the deep of my heart and learn to forget.
In his last semester, he broke up with his girlfriend and moved back to the dorm. He felt sad during the period. I accompany him to his side every day. Eating, watching movies, helping him to take a pile of dirty clothes to wash, folding it neatly.
He said he felt uncomfortable and could not sleep at night. So I accompanied him for nearly a month. He was all I had for a while, and I wished it would go on forever.
One day, I went back to the dormitory, my roommates were looking a photo and yelling together. I leaned in and saw his girlfriend’s sexy POSE. He looked up at me with a face that could not hide his embarrassment.
I smiled and said, “You reconciled with her? Congratulations!”. I turned and walked outside. The feeling was like a knife stab in my heart.
He ran after me and said, I’m sorry. I stood there with tears in my eyes. It was the first time I cried in front of him.
Why say sorry? You have nothing to do with me. I turned and walked away.
When I got back to my dorm that night, he wasn’t there. I stared at his empty bed for a long time.
The next day, I started meeting a girl who was different course from me. A few days later, she become my girlfriend. Yes, she is my wife now.
He and I did not speak until the near graduation.
04
I sat at a different table from him at the graduation dinner.
Thinking of many things that will be gone with graduation, I felt sad, I drank hard, especially felt he kept looking at me, even crazier.
At the end of the party, he came up with a glass of hot tea.
Don’t drink anymore. He took my hand and snatched the glass from me.
At that moment, my mind went blank, I burst into tears.
He hugged me and whispered in my ear, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
I did not care about the students around me, afraid of losing him, tightly embrace him.
Later, the classmates went to KTV, he and I sat in the corner. I held his hand behind my back and just sat there, watching the others cry and laugh.
I understand. From this moment on, it’s over.
Can I sing you a song? I said.
Good, he said.
“I miss you year after year, lonely I still have not changed, beautiful dream when can appear, dear you, I really want to see you again.
Autumn wind, a burst of blowing, think of last year at that time, what is your heart thinking? Why leave this ending for me to suffer?
The one who loves you most is me. How can you make me sad? When I needed you most, I left without saying a word. The person who loves you most is me you, how willing to let me sad? I have paid so much for you, but you have never touched…….
Shadows flickered in the darkness.
I like you very much. I said.
I know. He said.
The end.
